I'm a single black mother that is raising a wonderful lil boy!!!
Man today is the last day to my 5 day mini vacation. I hate that I have to go back to work, but what can you do?
My mini vacation was just as boring as can be. But I did get some good cleaning in. I've been meaning to do my spring cleaning, but never had the time. I did just that. I feel good now that I got to get rid of a lot of my son's old clothes and things I just don't need or use anymore.
Today me, my mom, and my son's father went to see my son's great aunt in the hospital. She's got cancer in her spine. I knew that something was wrong with her when we all saw her at the clinic one day back in September. I went to take my son to get updated on his shots and she was leaving as we were coming in. I asked her what was wrong cuz she was walking with a very bad limp. She said it was her hip. So I thought maybe she is about to get surgery, no big deal. But then like a month later, my son's father tells me she has CANCER. I instantly broke down. She has always been nice to me. So like for the past week, I've been scared to go see her by myself, cuz I know how emotional I can be. I asked my mom to go and at the last minute something came up to where we couldn't. I also asked my son's father and the same thing would happen. So we were all off work today and wanted to go up there because my son's father told me that she had to get put into a body brace because her bones were too brittle. And she is not able to walk anymore because her hips are shattered.
So we are on our way up there, and I'm just scared shitless because I'm thinking about my uncle and how he died of cancer. Man I have to tell you, she was in very good spirits. I was amazed how she isn't giving up like my uncle did. But she made it known to them that she doesn't want them to open her up. I don't blame her cause that is the exact same thing they did to my uncle. As soon as they opened him up, like the next month, he died.
It was soooooo good to be there and talk to her. She has some much wisdom that I just admire about her. And even before the cancer, she was always like that with me. She was so grateful that I was there too. She loves to be around family and she lite up when she saw me and my mom. Almost the entire time my mom was there, she held her hand. And I treated her like she was real aunt. I lotioned her legs down and masssaged them. I oiled her scalp and combed her hair. I felt good.
But today she told me something that just stuck to me. She told me that life is too short to be mad and angry at people. Now matter how hard I try to say that I'm not angry with people in the past, the more people tell me that I'm just lying to myself. This has happened to me numerous times at church. Like yesterday we had 2 guest pastors there and the one that came to pray for me told me that I have this big burden on my shoulder that I just gotta let go. I knew exactly what he was talking about. I have this HUGE grudge against old friends and my son's grandmother (on his father's side). I try to act like they don't bother me, but deep inside they do. My grudge is mostly with my son's grandmother. I truly truly dislike this woman and I'm sure she feels the same about me. The problem I have with her is that she can never pick up the phone to see how her grand son is doing. And I'm sure her problem is that she can't get over that I called her a bitch. The only reason why I called her that is because she went to her family and told them that my son wasn't her son's and that he wanted a paternity test. My son wasn't but a week old at the time. When I bought it to her she came over my house and we had this big discussion and she totally denied it. So I thought we squashed everything that day cuz I apologized and what not. But the 1st year of my son's life, she never came over, granted that she lived like 5 minutes away. So at my son's first birthday party I invited her but she didn't show. She told my son's father some dumb excuse why she couldn't make it and I instantly got heated and I snapped. I called her every bitch in the book. And to this day, she has never forgotten that. Oh well I can't change the past.
But my pastor told me that if I want a blessing, I have to truly let it go and make amends with the people I have a problem with. Even if they don't except my apology, at least I got it off of me to where I can get blessed. But this is my biggest problem. I dream every nite about picking up the phone and calling her, but when she answers, I don't know what to say. The same thing about my friends. I visualize myself dialing the number, but then when they pick up, then what? But trust me I am praying every nite that I can get courage to do this. It's not that I'm scared, it's just I know my mouth and how it flaps sometime. I talked to my mom tonite and she told me that I am just like her with the mouth. I talk before I think, which I'm truly trying to change.
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